Honest Letter

#23

Good morning, beautiful people from all corners of the globe! As we embrace 2024, I extend my warmest wishes to you and your loved ones.

In today's newsletter, I want to share my humble beginnings in Japan. This letter is an honest reflection of myself and is dedicated to anyone going through a difficult period. I encourage everyone to be more gentle with themselves.

Before delving into my experiences, I'd like to open with a profound quote from Steve Jobs, delivered during his 2005 Stanford Commencement: “You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart!” (Check the whole speech on YouTube, minute 10:11). This is very simple quote yet it resonates very deeply I believe to anyone. If you have a dream, or a passion of yours do not give up no matter how hard the path gets. As he explains in the video, things that you do in life now, will later connect the dots. You are unable to understand or see it now but believe the process.

I had kind of a vision when I came to Japan on a tourist visa 8 years ago. I was riding to Shinagawa; it was almost sunset, and in that exact moment, I said to myself: I will come to live in Japan. After that, I returned back home, and every sign was telling me that’s the right decision. I would open the TV - Japan would be broadcasted, I would walk in the streets, something about Japan - it felt like my heart belonged here. I did not know at that time why I wanted to be here; I could not even explain it well. But there was something in my heart that knew it better than me. And that’s what I did, followed my heart and came here.

My journey has not been all flowers but it has had many ups and downs. It has been a test of my values as a human and how much I can withstand difficulties. I’m very grateful for this opportunity in Japan because, with one hand, it slapped me so strong and shook my core, and then with the other hand lifted me. Perhaps this is a tough love, someone would say. For example, on my first day of the job here, I was yelled at so much that I fainted. I could not wake up; an ambulance came to pick me up. It was the 6th of October, still hot outside, and I remember my outfit very vividly. I was wearing black pants and a green t-shirt. That was one of the worst moments I experienced in my life. I woke up in the hospital alone, and the only thing that could soothe me, was remembering my mother’s smell. Even now, as I recall that moment, it gives me goosebumps, and it touches me how far I would go to be accepted into this society and its norms. I have never felt more alone and even questioned what I’m doing with my life. I felt so sad and unhappy.

I often asked myself, "What am I doing in Japan? Is this worthwhile? What exactly am I trying to accomplish here?" At that moment, everything seemed dark. I felt like I had hit rock bottom. I tend to think that humans are social animals. My best friend had left that summer, and I took it very hard because I was someone who believed that showing emotion was a sign of weakness. When I said goodbye to her, I did not shed a tear but when I went home I cried my eyes out. All those bottled-up emotions took a toll on my mental and physical health. Indeed, living abroad presents many challenges, and not having friends nearby makes life more difficult.

One of the main reasons for my struggle was that I had no idea who I was. I always measured myself in terms of achievements and failures, but I later realized that these do not define a person. I lacked self-understanding. Besides this, I think that I was very harsh on myself; in a way, I was my own ‘poison’.

During a conversation with my mother, she said over the phone, "Ina, please hug yourself tonight since I can't be there. You're someone who doesn't give up. Give Japan a try, and if you fail, so what? At least you won't have any regrets in life," she advised me. Her words greatly encouraged me. Sitting barefoot on the floor, I hugged myself as tears began to flow uncontrollably. For the first time in my life, I said, "I'm sorry, Ina, for making you endure so much. I'm sorry for not taking care of you. You are the most important person to me. I love you, Ina, and I will never let you down."

My boss at the time initially seemed like an unfavorable person, and at that moment, I wanted to quit. After being discharged from the hospital, he apologized to me, and I returned to my dormitory. It was a mental challenge, akin to losing heart. However, after three days, I decided to stay and continue working with him. Today, he plays a significant role in my life. I’m somehow his 'deshi' (meaning successor in Japanese), a decision I do not regret. My initial judgment of him was incorrect. Work is work, and a mistake on the job doesn't define everything. I learned not to fear failure. He taught me many important values for life and work discipline. Believe it or not, I still work with him part-time in his karate organization and I enjoy it a lot.

At that time, my weight had dropped to 49 kg, the lowest it had ever been. I was extremely thin, surviving on just two onigiris each day. I knew I had to take action before it was too late. So, what should I do I thought? Well first, try to satisfy myself with food that I enjoyed before. I also created a to-do list of places I wanted to visit while I was in Japan. Setting goals helped me stay motivated to achieve them. For instance, I tried surfing in Chiba and even learned to ride a bicycle, which I bought with my savings. These small joys gradually helped me start appreciating life again. On one beautiful day, I met my now husband in the shared kitchen, but that's a story for another time.

I also began taking better care of my health. I started going to the gym and visiting saunas/baths two to three times a week. Exercising provided me with a lot of mental strength and confidence, while the sauna and baths were incredibly relaxing and rejuvenating.

Gradually, step by step, I gained trust in myself, built confidence, and started to understand my worth. Sharing this was difficult, but I've moved past that phase and now simply enjoy living life. The main point I want to convey is that life will test you many times. Don't forget to love yourself. Taking a bit of time off can lead to better judgment. Never give up on yourself and your dreams.

Photos during sakura blossom in Kyoto and Tokyo:

Ps. She is my best friend, I’m the one with glasses. Place: Arashiyama, 2019

In closing, let's recall Steve Jobs' famous words: "Stay Foolish, Stay Hungry!"

Keep being curious and maintain the childlike wonder and eagerness inside you!

Love,

Ina